Hats! Hats For Sale! 50 Cents a Hat!

It is 34 degrees this morning on the island of Manhattan. I can see my breath clearly: and not just because I had scampi last night. This morning I exclaimed "It's colder than a witch's teet!" and Cboy's ears perked right up, and all of a sudden I found my self trying to explain what a teet was... and the reason we were ten minutes late for school is that I had a hard time convincing The Banana that COWS DO NOT PEE MILK.

While it pains me to put away my glamerous plastic hair clippy things for the season, it is time to make one of the most important purchases of the season: A HAT.

Like most New Yorkers, this is what I wore LAST YEAR:






But I grew tired of being mistaken for a wayward sherpa. I need something different this year.
Perhaps I should go whimsical..



But then everytime I bump into someone on the street and they ask me how I'm doing, I'm going have to say "Grrrrrrrrrr-reat" and that could get pretty old pretty fast. Maybe I should go for warmth..


But I kind of feel like this hat screams : My other car is a wooden sleigh pulled by six clydesdales. Better suited for someone named Karina or Anastasia. Speaking of which, do you think this hat would make me look like a socialist?

I wouldn't mind a hat that does something helpful. For instance this one:

I believe if you tell it all your worries, it solves them overnight. And that got me thinking...is it possible to find a hat that solves ALL your problems? Why yes... indeed it is:

Now-if they could only invent the matching winter coat.

Did Elvis Costello really write a book? Everyday?

This whole "I'm gonna write a book" thing? MUCH HARDER than I first thought. You have to be disciplined, and focused, and make time to do it: all of which makes it sound oddly like EXERCISE, and we all know how I feel about that. As far as I am concerned treadmills are just another surface on which to drape clothing.

Confession: I am a slacker about a lot of things. (But not my commitment to teach The Spawn how to use a corkscrew. My seven year old can't tie his own shoelaces, but you should see him cut the foil away on a bottle of Chard.)

My Junior year in college, I took a class called Feminism in Literature, thinking it would be a bunch of chicks sitting around discussing the latest Jackie Collins. Boy, was I wrong.

The first two tests were essay tests, and I wrote my usual quirky-innovative-insightful-bullsh!t disguised as genius-type of essays. Like an audience at a late night comedy club, I figured if I could get the professor to laugh within the first two paragraphs, that I was guaranteed a good review. Except Ms. Vandam did not have a sense of humor; it had been lost the fifth time she read "The Dam is a Dyke" on the restroom wall. So I got two D's, and while I often longed for double Ds back then-these were not the kind I wanted.

If this were a Teen Nick Movie of the week starring Hillary Duff, this is where I would of hit the books hard, and gone on to earn academic redemption. But this is a true story about Real Life, so I did what any smart, disciplined, focused and committed student in my position would do: I cheated.

My friend Liz--her last name escapes me but I know she always smelled of patrouli and got GREAT marks--took the Feminism in Literacy midterm early, and let me know what the main essay questions were on it. From there it was a matter of memorizing Ms. Vandam's lectures verbatim, and regurgitating them Word for Word into the blue test booklet.

A week later, Ms. Vandam asked me to stay after class and speak with her. I sat nervously at my desk while the rest of the students filed out of the room, composing all sorts of defenses in my mind. Ms. Vandam pulled my test booklet from the drawer of her desk and held it out to me. I could see the bright red A from two rows back. NEVER IN HER ENTIRE CAREER AS A PROFESSOR, she said, HAD SHE BEEN SO IMPRESSED WITH A STUDENT'S PROGRESS. She went on for the next fifteen minutes about my incredible insight, and mastery of the genre. Then Ms. Vandam announced that she was filming an episode for cable television on Virginia Woolf's Mrs. Dalloway and that TWO sudents from the entire university were to be handpicked to participate in the panel discussion. One of those students would be ME.

They filmed the cable show at 6:30 am, which in college student time is 4:30 am. I sat in a chair that was part of an arranged circle of chairs, populated by various professors and one other student. The set was bathed in blue television lighting. The chair was warm. The erudite panel began discussing various themes. Time passed. The chair was warm. In the final fifteen minutes, Ms. Vandam threw a question to me. Silence.

Somewhere in the archives of a New Jersey cable television station exists a two second shot of me, fast asleep, with a thin line of drool hanging from the corner of my lip to my crew neck sweater.

Contest Winners

SEVEN WINNERS ARE ANNOUNCED ON THIS SHORT VIDEO: Are you one of them? If not--don't worry! The future holds more Giveaways! You can always buy MUD stuff at www.ournameismud.com and the cute pilgrim figurines are from Janelle Berryman's Pumpkinseeds line at www.enesco.com (my parent company)

If you have won-please email me at LVMud@aol.com with your address so you can get your goodies before Turkey Day.

FRIDAY MUD GIVEAWAY 11/14/08

Hurray for FRIDAY! This week's giveway is in keeping with November's GRATITUDE theme. It's a ceramic BLESSINGS jar. It's a great activity to do with your family this Thanksgiving. Write down the things you are grateful for on the paper hearts that are included, and then re-read them from year to year.

This contest ends Monday 11/17/08.
Winners will be chosen at random.
One entry per person.
TO ENTER: You are stranded on a desert island and have access to only ONE BLOG IN THE WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD. Forget your friendships and your loyalties-this isn't about that. You can only read ONE (and it's not your own, BTW.) WHAT BLOG IS IT? Answer in the comments section below.

Just Like Marlon Brando in 1973

I truly love my friends who live in the computer. Many of them, like Kristin at kwr221.blogspot.com, or the fabulous Le at thirdontheright.blogspot.com, have been kind enough to bestow all sorts of bloggy goodies upon me. Goodies & awards that I have often refused to accept. And not because I am ungrateful: I so appreciate being tagged or given some bloggy love. But at the end of the acceptance post you usually have to list a small amount of blogs to pass the award on to, and I have never wanted to HURT ANYONE'S FEELINGS, so I have declined the award instead.

This time an award came from Natasha at creativenachos.com. For almost the ENTIRE FIRST YEAR of my blog, she was often my ONE AND ONLY commentor. (Myfabulousmotherinlaw: Nonnee would often email me little messages like "That was funny!" but she thought you had to BUY a blogger account and so would never post.) Natasha kept me going by reading when nobody else did. She was my muse, my coach, my entire audience. She is a great friend and a great inspiration and she makes me try harder because she believes that I am a better person than I really am.

So I am going to accept this award and instead of listing six things that make me happy, I'm going to list six blogs that I love to read, that I hope will find a bigger audience than they currently have. Friends: if I did not pick your blog this time it's because I think you have more readers than the ones listed below, so please do not feel unloved. I read you- I heart you.

Six Blogs I think you should visit:

missthystle.com
Thystle is the kind of gal that you can't help liking even after you realize she has slept with your boyfriend. She is sugar, spice and everything kick ass. One day she will write a poignant piece of poetry, the next she will raunchily describe her bodily functions, but everything she writes is really brilliant. I lerves her.

zakaryw.blogspot.com
Zakary is HIGH-larious in a short & sweet kind of way. I always enjoy a visit to her blog- she's cool and funny and she doesn't waste words. She also has one of my favorite bloggy daughters, Zoe--who paints pictures and then titles them "this is not crap." I lerves her too. And also: her blog led me to an incredible blog: KRAIGG (see below)

kraigg.blogspot.com
This is a MAN ladies; A MAN WHO CAN WRITE. And I mean; This Man Can Write. Wether it's scathing diatribes about his ex-wife or sensitive posts about his dying dog...this guy proves that there are INTELLIGENT MEN out there in the blogsphere. Plus, Kraigg leaves the funniest comments if you can get him to read your blog. Trust me on this. I'm sure he'll have something to say on this one...No Pressure Kraigg. Ladies are Waiting...Dance, monkey, dance.

lifespatula.blogspot.com
Spatz is a starving (well not really: she still lives with her parents) artist who makes amazing paintings with words along with her brushes. She is funny, smart, cute and SINGLE. I really should hook her up with Kraig.

toothlessalcoholic.blogspot.com
The husband of one of my Bestest Friends In Real Life. Who once turned to me when he was drunk and told me that it was possible that we had nothing in common beside our mutual love of alcohol and the fact that our kids played well together. Well Ha on You Mr. Kramer: now we have blogging in common, so there.

dontoverthinkit.blogspot.com AND waitwaittheresmore.blogspot.com
Because BJ and Racie are linked together and are both great Texas gals who are smart, and funny and while they do go on and often forget this little thing called punctuation they sure are smart and funny did I say that already?

I wish I was allowed to post more: somebody get me another award... I kid, I kid. Let me know what you think of these blog suggestions below. O- and look what's on my mantlepiece now, would ya:

Mega Giveaway Winners Announced

THANK YOU to those of you who voted and moved my blog up to the top of the list for best hobby blog at www.bloggerschoiceawards.com I wish I had something for each of you...so come a little closer to the monitor...closer...closer.... *MWAH* Big wet sloppy kiss for everyone!

We held a VERY SCIENTIFIC DRAWING at Chez Veasey tonight. We were unable to film it, but please trust that it involved super advanced giveaway equipment like A HAT and A SMALL CHILD'S HAND.

The big winner is:
Rpc54

The two runners up (who get a little sumpin sumpin) are
Eviltwinswife
Creative_Momma

Please email me at LVMud@aol.com with your address to claim your prize.

Also: big shout out to Deb at www.suburbsanity.blogspot.com who has a fabulous post about practicing gratitude and who ran a giveaway on a MUD platter. If you'd like an item to offer your readers in a giveaway (and you have the google stats to prove that people other than your mom read your blog) please email me and let me know. We like to share the MUD, share the LOVE.

And don't forget: there will be ANOTHER giveaway tomorrow.

Sunshine on My Shoulders Makes Me Sunburned

We're back from a wonderful mini-vacation in Florida. We loved seeing our friends and soaking up the sun. Highlights of our trip included....

- Seeing the house used by drug dealers in Miami Vice. The pool extends into the living room. CBoy has his heart set on it for Christmas. I knew I should have never let that boy watch Miracle on 34th Street.

- Watching a man wrestle an alligator. The man said he wrestled alligators for conservation purposes ("could you please leave a little something in the bucket to SAVE THE ALLIGATORS"). BUT RIDDLE ME THIS BATMAN: the pit was right beside a booth where they sold tiny alligator heads and tiny alligator feet.

- Great morning in the Ft. Lauderdale museum of Science...but starting to wonder if eventually museums will be mostly filled with computers instead of actual exhibits. COMPUTERS I CAN NOT FIGURE OUT HOW TO WORK I might mention. Looks like we'll be spending more time at Chuck E. Cheese going forward; that's technology I can master.

- Beach. Beach. Beach. Lots of frolicking in the waves. So much frolicking that Banana and CBoy had an accident--Cboy's head met Banana's nose causing a bright red gusher that went on endlessly and had the surf looking like a scene in JAWS. A bit later we realized that maybe keeping the small bloody child in the Florida ocean to rinse her off was not one of our better ideas.

- Three words we dread to hear the night before flying back: MY. TUMMY. HURTS. Immediately a million questions flew through my rum soaked brain: why do they make hotel wastebaskets so damn small... should we really have eaten at Bubba Gump Shrimp because CBoy wanted a light up glass... can we smuggle a vomiting child back on the plane in the morning.... And of course this type of thinking lead me to thoughts such as MY GAWD WHAT IF SHE HAS APPENDICITIS. At which point she was soundly asleep, having sucked on a tic tac that we told her was medicine, while I lay awake, heart thumping in the bed, until all the dark clouds that I imagined were swept away by another morning full of sunshine.

MEGA MUD FRIDAY GIVEAWAY

I am gonna ROCK YOUR THANKSGIVING with today's MUD giveaway. Win this baby and you get:
-A fabulous apron that reads: Holiday Meal Director
-Two: Too Blessed To Be Stressed Mugs
-Secret Sauce gravy boat
-Gobble Til You Wobble platter
-We are Thankful Platter
-I Yam So Thankful for all Our Stuffing/ Eat More Side dishes bowl.

TO ENTER:

- Go to www.bloggerschoiceawards.com and enter the name of this blog ournameisblog.blogspot.com into the search feature and vote for me for BEST HOBBY BLOG. I know it is a PITA to register to vote-- sorry!!! If you've already voted you are already entered!

-Winner will be selected from the voters only at www.bloggerschoiceawards.com - NOT FROM COMMENTS. Winners selected Thursday November 13 . Two second prize winners will receive something too!

- Yes: I HAVE NO SHAME. Obviously.

Not another post about Voting-sheesh!

I figure if Obama can win...well... so can I! HOW MANY AWARDS DOES DOOCE REALLY NEED ANYWAY?!?

Please head on over to www.bloggerschoiceawards.com and register to vote. Then put the name of this blog (ournameisblog.blogspot) into the search field and please vote for me for BEST HOBBY BLOG.

Expect me to rerun this shameless plea for self promotion several times over the next few months. Thank you advance for your support and I promise if I ever get to be a big blogess I will not forget those commentors who made me what I am....you know, erm, what's her face and whosit.

Letter From Mom 11/5/2008

Dear Jesse and Annie,

Many years from now, your therapist might suggest you unearth the past as it exists in cyberspace and read the ramblings of your mother. First- let me apologize for the damage that knowing I once got hot and sweaty for Barry Gibb may cause you. Second- it was Daddy's decision to put the cat down: not me. And finally: yes-this is what I was doing on the computer every time I told you I had VERY IMPORTANT work to do, and ok...that stuff in my glass was not apple juice that had turned.

Today is a big day in history.

Last night, Barack Obama was elected the 44th President of These United States.

Jesse-you came into our bed in the middle of the night as you do every night, and you sleepily asked who had won, and when Daddy told you you were all like: "WOO-HOO, first the Phillies and now THIS. I can pretty much get anything I wish for!" And then you asked where I had put your Christmas list because you wanted to add a BB gun.

Annie- I told you this morning that Obama had won, and added that YOU could grow up and be President too! You said you would really rather be that lady that takes care of the kittens at PetCo.

I fell asleep last night flipping channels between election results and whatever else was on. Which happened to be a show on the food channel about eating ant larvae. They say it is crunchy and gooshy at the same time: a textural delicacy.

This is a happy day on so many levels. It is a day I feel like I could hug complete strangers. It is a day I believe that the electorial system in our country actually can serve the people--if the people turn out. It is a day when I am happy for all people of color-especially those whose ancestors built this country on the backs of their slave labor. It is a day ripe with HOPE. It is a day when many of us got in line behind a good man who promised us that together we could create change.

I celebrate this day because I think this man will help make this world a better place for YOU. I hope when you read this note that there is peace, and polar bears, universal health care, and that Uncle Robert got to marry his boyfriend.

I am at a loss to fully describe what this day means. I will let my cyber friends say it better in the comments section below.

I promise I will write again in four or eight years, when a woman is elected.

Love you with all my heart,
Mommy

Now on to IMPORTANT THINGS

I'm so glad this election is almost over if for no other reason that we can finally chat about THE IMPORTANT STUFF THAT EFFECTS US ALL.

I am, of course, talking about Joaquin Phoenix saying BYE! GOOD to Hollywood. He made the announcement official this past weekend, but we were all a leeetle busy so you might have missed it.

Maybe it's my abandonment issues, but it pains me to see him leave. Especially without taking a shower and combing that hair first. Mister, you would not be walking out of my house looking like THAT.

I am one of the four people that loved SIGNS.

Now THE VILLAGE, eh..not so much... but he was still great in it: especially when he gets STABBED. I don't know about you, but nothing makes me weak in the knees like a leading man getting hurt in some way. *sigh* Instantly, I am eleven and Johnny Gage is bitten by a rattlesnake on a very special episode of EMERGENCY... Or Keith Partridge throws his back out or Peter Brady's voice cracks......I am hot and sweaty just thinking about it. So many men..so many accidents waiting to happen.

V O T E

"What the naysayers don't understand is that this election has never been about me. It's been about you."
-Barack Obama

MoNDaY'S WiNNeRS

Happy Monday Everybody!

Kristin of www.kwr221.blogspot Give Me A Minute I'll Come Up With Something was correct when she guessed the inside of this box says: YoU WiLL NeVeR FiND TiMe...YoU MuST MaKe TiMe.

Clever Girl. She is the winner of this little trinket box BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE!

I got so distracted watching the clock on Friday and wondering when cocktail hour was going to roll around, that I don't think I clearly explained how winners would be selected: through a VERY SCIENTIFIC PROCESS that involves me asking Jack (random guy who works here) to pick a number 1-27. So, to be fair... we have another winner! Dayna, from www.lookthroughoureyes.blogspot.com Even though she obviously doesn't need it; we're giving Dayna this INVISIBLE LUCK DUST BOX.


BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE! You all left such GREAT COMMENTS. I pulled out a few of my favorites here (please don't feel badly if I didn't pick yours this time.) . Vote for your favorite comment below and the TWO comments with the most votes will win this:


Vote for your favorite comment in response to: what does it say inside the box labeled ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD by Wednesday November 5.

BJ: I was wondering where I put it.
Steve: Don't spend it all in one place.
Judy: Love
Debbie: You were expecting more?

FRIDAY MUD GIVEAWAY

This box contains all the time in the world and most people are amazed it fits into such a small place.

In honor of a Keeeee-raaaaaaaazy Week... it is the Friday Giveaway. This is a little handpainted jewelry box about 4 inches across and two inches high. The sides are decorated with clocks and globes. Brought to you by OUR NAME IS MUD.

Special Rules for Today's Contest:

*ONE ENTRY PER PERSON only please.
*In the comments section; guess what it says INSIDE this box.

The answer revealed and the winner announced at some point on Monday, November 3rd. Happy Friday people!

Last Halloween Post (Australia is cheering right now)

Sexyhusbandomine and I met in March a GAZILLION years ago. That year, for Halloween, here was his costume:

And let me just say girls, that I had my pie with sausage that night.

The next year, we were still a relatively new couple--so we did the "cute couple" costume


Followed by MORE cute couple costumes


Until we got married, at which point cute couples costumes ceased to revolve around sexual innuendo and became indicators of our domestic bliss:


Then we got pregnant and our respective costumes were

AND


And when I got pregnant again, we went as this


ELEVEN YEARS of marriage later...
And my pizza delivery boy with the six pack abs is going as this:

O the times, they are a changin.......

Whooooo are You?

At Chez Veasey when it rains it's a tsunami. This week The Banana has the flu, Jesse has changed his halloween costume design for the third time, and I have five major deadlines at work. And the Phillies are in some kind of special ball game, so we know where Sexyhusbandomine's head is at...Not to mention the new philanthropy projects I have taken on and my recent decision to join with other bloggesses to write a book. Did I mention I was still working on solving world hunger and contemplating adopting five other children from different parts of the world?

I am definitely juggling like most moms; but this week I seem to be doing it with bowling balls and machetes. So please bare with me, dear cyber friends, as this blog may not be updated much this week. (WHAT AM I SAYING? Of course I'm going to update. I do my best blog work when I am absolutely supposed to be doing something else. Like Work. Or Paying Attention to my Children. )

ANYWHOOOOO......

I am late announcing the winners for last Friday's owl give-away but here they are. With a catch dearhearts. This contest was all about FOLLOWING. And a TRUE follower will read this post and contact me at LVMud@aol.com to claim their prize. A FAIR WEATHER FOLLOWER would have just signed on for the giveaways but not commit to reading my drivel. So consider this your notification. If I don't hear from you by Friday, your owl goes to the next person.

(Gosh that sounded harsh, I'm sorry. The barimentric pressure messes with my head AND YOU SHOULD SEE WHAT IT DOES TO MY HAIR.)

OWL WINNERS:
Rachel www.allthewayfrombloggycreek.blogspot.com
Racie Lover www.waitwaittheresmore.blogspot.com
TJ www.whatdoestjstandfor.blogspot.com
Tracy www.paradisemom.blogspot.com

Congratulations! remember: next giveaway is Friday. It's All About Winning Stuff.

JenX & Racie Lover Contests

This is a great shirt created by Le at www.thirdontheright.blogspot.com that is part of a great giveaway at www.jenx67.com where all you have to do is enter an 80s music memory to get a chance to win one of two of these fabulous shirts. I love these blogger ts, and my children do too: their shirts say: Nothing Mommy Writes about Me on her Blog is True.

Racie Lover is ALSo running a great giveaway on her blog www.waitwaittheresmore.blogspot.com but my browser is currently not speaking to her browser, so i cannot capture a picture of her prizes: but they are AWESOME.

Hope you will enter both contests this weekend.

Friday's GIVE AWAY

I know-I know-- it seems like just this week were giving away dracula garlic jars and wicked mugs...wait: we were! But as promised- there will be a MUD giveaway EVERY Friday through December until your cabinets are bulging with pottery and you beg me to stop. This week we have 4 little owls to give away to 4 Followers. That's right people; winners will not be selected from comments this week--all Followers of this blog will be automatically entered-winner announced Sunday night. Because you should be rewarded for drinking the koolaid. And because I heart you internet friends, I really do.

Snippets

THREE THINGS SAID BY COMPLICATEDBOY THIS MORNING:

I had a dream last night: I don't remember much of it, but I know Adam West was singing in it.

You can't really tell me what to do Mom, I am not really your son. I was left on your doorstep by a Wizard.

The reason it takes me so long in the bathroom in the morning is that I am checking all the drains for snakes.

An EVEN BETTER Story

The following blog entry comes straight from www.missthystle.com , who wins this month's BEST FREEKING BLOG POST EVER award-which is an award I will be bestowing on blogs who take a subject I write about and DO IT WAY BETTER THAN ME. And this is not one of those 2D photoshop created awards: this is an ACTUAL TROPHY which I will send to winners so that they can display it proudly next to their other awards such as Mother of The Year or Mary Kaye Salesperson Extraordinaire. You can nominate yourself or anyone else at any time--just remember that the post has to relate to a subject blogged here first.

Okay, so for the record I AM WARNING YOU RIGHT NOW. You do not want to read this story. For reals. You should leave. Like now.

Are you still there? OMG. You people never, ever listen.

M, despite being an avid bird hunter, is wildly in love with every animal ever. If there is an animal, she wants it. I am asked daily for things like kittens, birds, fish, monkeys, lemurs, puppies, hippo's, sea lions and all manner of things that are either cute, fuzzy, cuddly, smooshy or all of the above.

My husband, having had caged pets like mice and guinea pigs growing up thought it would be a good idea to get her a hamster. I, for the record, do NOT love anything that lives in a cage. I put my foot down. They stopped on their way to PetCo and came home with a fuzzy yellow rodent called "Carl".

Carl was a boring ass animal. He lived in his cage. He ran in his wheel, he shoved shavings everywhere and peed on you if you picked him up. Much like many of the dates I went on in college, he smelled perpetually of feet.

But M loved that little guy. She kept him in her room and told him stories and staged plays wherein he married Beanie Babies and even gave him a theme song (inexplicably "Mambo number 5"). It was frickin' adorable.

The problem was the dogs. Our lab, Buddy, excelled at opening doors. Locked doors. Doors both locked and held shut with a hook and eye. And Buddy, well, he wasn't smart. But he was affectionate. He loved everything but cats with an all consuming passion that resulted in everything he touched being "loved" to literal pieces.

Do you see where this is going? You should leave now.

WHY ARE YOU STILL THERE?

Fine.

So, while we were at work one day, Buddy broke into M's room and "freed" Carl. You know, to play with him.

Days and days passed and we were examining piles of poop for Carlness, when lo and behold the little fuzzy bastard wandered out from under the t.v. credenza, missing a few toe nails but otherwise unscathed.

The bedroom door was give additional fortification, was always locked and Carls cage moved to a shelf about 5' high.

Which worked. For about a day.

And then, Carl was missing again. The cage looked like a hamstercide had occurred and M was inconsolable.

But, sure enough, two weeks later, there was Carl; alive, though barely.

Only, this time, well, lets just say, 6oz hamsters are not good playmates for 80lb labs. Like at all.

Before M could see poor little Carl I snatched him up and wrapped him in tissue. But six year olds? They're smart. She knew exactly who I was trying to spirit away in a Kleenex shroud and demanded to see him. Figuring it would be a good time to explain the Circle of Life, and since Carls head wasn't really too mangled, I decided to let her say goodbye and uncovered his head.

Reaching out her wee little finger she lovingly stroked his head and whispered goodbye.

Then, he tried to bite her.

She shrieked like a mad woman, "Oh, MAMA! He's alive! We must take him to the vet! We simply MUST!"

Uh. No. No way am I spending $85 for a $6 hamster to be put to sleep.

So I told her, no. Carl was in pain, but Mommy would give him a shot herself. That way he could go to heaven from his very own home.

This seemed reasonable and she flung herself to the floor sobbing as I carried the wretched little mite away. To the garage. Where I gave him a shot. With a...well, let's keep this PG-ish and say that it was quick and painless and the only option.

For a moment I felt very Laura Ingalls Wilder in my practicle farm girl resolution to the situation. Then, of course, I thought; WHAT THE F@!K? Why the hell do I have a husband if I'm left to do things like hit hamsters with hammers? Oh. Wait. I wasn't going to say that part. I did warn you to leave though. And it's not like I LIKED doing it. Or even had a choice. The poor little smudge will probably greet me in Heaven with a big sign (well big for a hamster, so like 1"x3" and attached to a toothpick) that says "THANKS FOR PUTTING ME OUT OF MY MISERY".

Then, of course, there I am standing in the garage with a recently euthanized hamster wondering what the hell one does with a dead hamster? It's not like Chipper the fish, or Jimbo the fish or any of the other fishies that found their final rest in the municipal sewer system.

Back in the living room, contemplating what to do with the victim I go to find M, holding a tea-light box coffin lined with scrap of satin and a cotton ball for a pillow. Her grief apparently overcome with arts and crafts.

"Let's have a funnel" she says.

"A funeral? For Carl?" I ask, and she nods, all big eyes and barely contained excitement. I agree and perform my duties as funeral director while she summons the neighborhood kids. ALL OF THEM. I swear to God there were 15 kids in my yard. You'd have thought I was giving away ice cream covered bicycles or something.

Solemnly, yet gleeful at the spectacle, they lowered the casket into the earth, covered it with dirt and placed a headstone over it. It read "Carl. Wus a gud hamper". When the eulogy was over and each child (many of whom I'd never even seen before) said a nice little bit about Carl's wonderful hamster contributions to the world, they demanded snacks.

Because children are macabre little beasts with no souls and never ending stomachs.

But they're resiliant, and that's something to be grateful for.

OR SO SAYS MISS THYSTLE

THe WiNNeRs: STRaNGeRS WiTH CaNDY

FIRST OF ALL: Can I just say hurray for me for inventing a NEW FORM OF TORTURE? Seriously; trying so hard to stay on my Jenny Craig program while every fifteen minutes an email comes to me that suggests a different type of chocolate or sweet is a bit like bringing a six pack to the intervention, no? THANK YOU to all of you who entered, and especially those of you who linked to this site and brought so many new kids to the block. In honor of my deep and passionate love for my Google Analytics Page, I will be holding a giveaway EVERY FRIDAY between now and January 1st. So don't be a stranger.

SECONDLY: The film below is kind of my ISHTAR of blog films; no offense to sexyhusbandomine who did his best job to edit out the nose picking, time out, and sibling brawl that occured during shooting (BUT NO HAMSTERS WERE HARMED IN THE FILMING OF THIS VIDEO.) And yes, I am gonna make you watch it anyway because it's short. Winners please email me with your address!




OK. OK. Apparently the video won't play for some of you: which is a shame because I love the way Cboy pronounces caramels as cramels. The winners are: BEEB and MILLIE who like herseheys chocolates with almonds and cramels.

Alternative to Muskrat Love

Not every weekend in The Big Apple involves carriage rides around the park or a trip to the museum. Sometimes it's about finding the easiest way to fill the time between Breakfast and Cocktail Hour...you know... that long stretch of about Four Hours. This explains why, instead of schlepping The Spawn to The Bronx Zoo this weekend-we decided to spend two hours in PetCo. It is a veritable Animal Kingdom there-a great place to see kittens, birds, fish and of course....HAMSTERS.

In the eighties, I made the mistake of getting two hamsters for my Kindergarten classroom. We came in to class one morning to a litter of tiny, pink, hairless babies. That same day, while the children were at recess, the Daddy Hamster beheaded and devoured the entire brood. Try explaining that to twenty innocent five year olds. The Fathers were unusually cold to me that year during Parent Teacher conferences.

Last year, CBoy's teacher asked for a dwarf hamster, which we volunteered to provide. PetCo was all out of the tiny hamsters the day we went--so we decided to buy a Big Ass Hamster instead. This did not thrill Ms. Mathews, who had wanted a hamster of the dwarf variety because their temperament is known to be gentle and friendly, whereas Big Ass Hamsters can sometimes be aggressive. She expressed her trepidation as the children gathered around the glass aquarium, pushing each other and craning their necks to get a view of the new pet in their classroom. In an attempt to allay her fears, I confidently lifted the screen top of the cage and reached down to stroke the creature.

"See?" I said, running my finger over his furry back, "He's as gentle as can be."

And at that moment, Big Ass Hamster turned and bit my index finger DOWN TO THE BONE and blood splattered and splurted against the glass in the aquarium and I began to shake my hand violently to get the Big Ass Hamster to let go, and while the children screamed and blood flew everywhere I began to beat the Big Ass Hamster's head against the side of the cage to get it to release it's teeth from my finger.

When it finally let me go, it took an entire box of Sponge Bob Bandaids to contain the bleeding.

Spooky, as Big Ass Hamster came to be known, eventually outgrew his violent tendencies and settled down to classroom life-gorging himself on carrot and apple sticks and sleeping the day away. He came home with us over Christmas break, and when Sexyhusbandomine placed him in the plastic ball so he could run around, I swear I didn't kick it. Not. Even. Once.

I aM a WiNNeR!!

Lex from creativeconstipation.blogspot.com held an incredible giveaway for a Total Blog MakeOver and I WON!!! ( The layout you are looking at right now is Not that makeover--it's my pre-makeover "clean face." I miss the purple but...I am getting ready for my transformation.) Thanks for offering such a cool giveaway Lex !!!

HaLLoWeeN MuD GiVeAwAY

Growing up, my dog was blamed for a lot of things that happened in my house, in particular; Missing shoes, odiferous emissions, and disappearing candy. It wasn't until I was a teenager that I figured out my dad was actually the one responsible for Two out of Three of those things. His weakness: Reeses Peanut Butter Cups. Every first November morning, our Halloween pillowcases would appear to have been rifled through, and nary an orange and brown wrapper was ever found. I don't know how he managed to convince us for so long that a Labrador Retriever could develop such a specific taste for a chocolate and peanut butter combo.

In honor of stolen Halloween candy-it's a Halloween Mud Giveaway. Here is the twist: if you win this giveaway you get TWO PRIZES so that YOU can offer a giveaway on your blog too!! In the comment section below, confess your sweetest temptation. What candy should you not ever be left alone in the house with? You can, of course, enter as many times as you wish.

You might win ONE of these wicked mugs:



AND ONE of these Dracula garlic Jars



And you get to keep whichever one you like and give the other away. Double your Pleasure Double Your Fun. Enter through midnight Tuesday October 21--winner announced Wednesday October 22.

The C Word

Wanna know what's REALLY scary about Halloween? Fifty Four days until CHRISTMAS. There, I said it.

The great joy I feel during the Holiday Season is tempered by the knowledge that this time of year divides people into Two Groups.

Those groups would be: People who love the movie It's A Wonderful Life, and People Who Don't.

(For you Capra Lovers, what I am about to say might be as blasphemous as comparing Rudolph to a juicy slab of venison. You might wanna just skip today's post and jump in on the comments on the Disco Bath post regarding Penis Puppetry. )

I HATE the movie It's a Wonderful Life. Which is why you can expect lots of blogs during December, because that is basically all they ever play on TV that month.

I know it is considered to be a heartwarming tale of sacrifice and redemption. A classic story about realizing what a difference one man can make in the lives of others. I know as the credits roll most of you feel warm and fuzzy.....whereas for me, when the bell finally rings I feel like I could come out of my corner swinging.

It Quite Simply.....PISSES ME OFF.

When George makes the STUPID, IDIOTIC mistake of entrusting drunk & loveable Uncle Billy with the Building & Loan's deposit, I cringe. Uncle Billy should have been fired months ago, and forced into rehab.

But it is the fact that Mr. Potter is able to steal that money AND GET AWAY WITH IT that just gets my knickers in a twist. Even the Grinch has to return what he took. It irks the heck out of me that that man is never punished on screen. I am sure there is a special place in Hell for the Mr. Potters of this world: but as a movie viewer, I need to see him burn.

Now, where did I put my pitchfork and torch?

Click here to watch a THIRTY SECOND version of Its A Wonderful Life re-enacted by Bunnies. (OK- copy and paste if a click doesn't work)
http://www.angryalien.com/1204/wonderful_lifebuns.asp

Disco Bath

We like to keep things interesting here at Chez Veasey. One of our favorite bathtime traditions involves glow sticks. Michaels sells a tube of fifteen for a buck. We like to fill our bath with bubbles and then add the whole tube of the neon colored variety. Then we turn down the lights and crank up the Bee Gees. Usually, The Spawn are Very Clean and Very Wrinkled when I remember to remove them from the bath.

We started this tradition when CBoy was two, using the larger and thicker green glow sticks. I left him alone for literally a nano-second (let's say; the time it takes to refill a glass) and returned to find he had bitten through one of them. Like a scene from The Toxic Avenger, he opened his mouth in a silent scream and it was filled with neon green nuclear-looking gloop.

Luckily I had poison control on speed dial. Turns out glow sticks are totally non-toxic. You could eat them... WHICH IS A GOOD THING; BECAUSE HE DID. His poop was the same shade as The Joker's hair for the next week.

Tonight, The Spawn are enjoying a disco bath when I hear the following SWEAR TO GAWD IT'S TRUE conversation:

CBOY: Oh look! If I put it behind my penis it makes it glow!!
BANANA: You can do so much stuff with your penis. I can't do anything with my vagina.

At which point Sexyhusbandomine looks over at me and suggests I give the children some regular bath toys.

COMMENTS MONDAY

Every Monday: No Post--Just Comments.

The Rain in Spain Stays Mailnly On The Plain.

In the early 90s my friends organized an intervention regarding my continued use of shoulder pads. I felt they made my bottom half look smaller; they convinced me that Chrystal Carrington had called and wanted her suits back.

Apparently a bit of the same thing is going on in regard to this Very Fine Blog Design here. As you know, rex at www.indeliblecreations.blogspot.com is running a giveaway for free blog design. Many of you awesomely supported my quest to win by leaving a comment on her site. But the capper is that she recently left a comment here saying that after she visited, she also hopes I win. And here's the thing: I AM UP AGAINST A BLOGGER WITH CANCER.

That's bad. That's "You're Out" spoken by a model with a German accent bad.

So fine. I am willing to change. Even if I don't win the free giveaway,I am willing to take some of what is currently under the mattress and redesign this blog. So channel your Jonathan Adler, your Ty Pennington, your Doctor 90210.

1. Shall I re-name this bog? We are thinking themudchick.com What are your thoughts?

2. What are some of your favorites in terms of blog design and why?

3. What else have you not told me you secretly don't like?

OK; so start the liposuction sucker tubes and lets get rolling. Please just make sure I can still move my forehead when you are done.

Bringing Spooky Back

One Halloween I had the PRETTIEST PRINCESS DRESS EVAH. There was a cold snap, and I still remember the crushing humiliation of having to wear my red puffy down filled coat over my costume.

ME: Trick or Treat!
PERSON HOLDING CANDY BOWL: Oh look! It's a....It's a.......Ummm...what are you?

It went on like this for a bit until finally I came up with the answer: "A TOMATO FAIRY" and it got me extra chocolate... and that, my friends, is when I decided WITTY BEATS PRETTY anyday.

In college, the trend in costumes was SEXY. My friends were Sexy witches, Sexy nurses, Sexy football players...there was not a costume existed that they couldn't shorten, rip, hoist and totally Slutify in some amazing way. As for me, Freshman and Sophomore years, I wore my old Burger King uniform.

(Why, yes, whilst in college I did work at that fine establishment.. I microwaved patties for about 6 months. I always hoped they would promote me to the register, but sadly it was not to be: I was fired for lack of burger wrapping skills. I could never figure out how to neatly fold that paper tissue so it wouldn't unwrap. I got into an argument with management about my suggestion for utilizing scotch tape in the process. It ended badly. I can't look at oragami to this day. But I digress...)

The point is: I found the wearing of a brown corduroy pantsuit (yes, that's what it used to be back in the day. With a spiffy plastic visor in coral) to be IRONIC. And MEN STILL DATED ME, just for the record. It's not like I was the ugly girl in the Burger King costume at the party--I was making out with total strangers Just Like Everyone Else. MAYBE EVEN MORE SO; when the guys realized the mileage they could get out of lines like " Do You Really Hold The Pickle?"

But Junior year, my roommate suggested lending me a killer harem girl costume that was basically a bra and a pair of silk Hammer-time pants. And the bra was totally Bedazzled so it was a Bra of 1000 Diamonds. It was like Super Sexy I Dream of Genie. I could not resist.

Later that night, when the temperature dipped below 40 and I had to walk a mile from the Pub back to my dorm, I longed for nothing more than the Halloween of my youth and my red puffy down filled coat. I still believe witty beats pretty, but more than that: Warmth beats Freezing Your Ass off anyday.

Next week: More About Comfortable Shoes.

Awesome giveaway

Great giveaway at creativeconstipation.blogspot.com

Please mention MOI in comments. Mama needs a new blog design. I'm thinking get rid of the purple, add some curtains...maybe a waterfall in the back: wadda ya think?

Gonna Dress You Up in My Love

When I was seven, my BFF and I decided to be a pair of dice for Halloween. Our crafty mothers got large cardboard boxes and cut armholes in them. They painted them white and glued black dots made from construction paper to each side.

Just before I left the house to join my friend, my mother suggested a last minute addition. Grabbing a large black marker from the kitchen junk drawer, she carefully drew two dots on my left cheek, six dots on my right, and :: on my chin.

Later, when my only wish was to slip into a candy induced coma, I went to wash the dots off my face. In her enthusiasm, my mother had used a large black PERMANENT Marks-Alot Marker--the kind you can smell two states away, that can successfully be used on 100 washes of laundry.

When she discovered the markings were impervious to her Ponds Cold Cream, she caressed my cheeks gently with a steel SOS brillo pad. I still went to school the next day wearing two black dots on my left cheek, six on my right and :: on my chin.

Luckily, I had a full supply of miniature Hershey bars to dull the pain.

This is not even my worst Halloween costume story. If my father were not a regular reader of this blog (Hi Dad) I would be tempted to write about the Halloween when I was 22, and new to the city, and dressed up as a lobster, and went to the wrong address for what I thought was a Halloween party. I didn't figure it out for awhile because all the people around me were dressed in leather. It was only after the third time someone called me Mistress Lobster that I discovered I was at a club called The Dungeon. And that's all I'm gonna say about that. (Hi again Dad.)

This year: ComplicatedBoy would like to be a robot. But not a cardboard box robot, or even a Johnny Five Robot. He wants a Terminator meets Justin Timberlake robot. He wants a silver suit, shirt and tie with just flashes of electronics showing through-I believe he suggested fiber optics. Most importantly--the costume requires A WORKING JET PACK. I'm thinking this year I will not be able to leave the whole thing to the tenth hour and then pull it out of my butt: the way I whipped a yard of faux fur into a teenage werewolf last year.

The Clinic: Not Just For Unwed Pregnant Teens

Went to the doctor today. The following are bits of ACTUAL DIALOGUE that occurred between myself and the Male Nurse.

NURSE: How are you today Mrs. Veasey?
ME: Fine thanks, how are you?
NURSE: You're lying like a rug, aren't you?
ME: Well, actually I have had a headache for FIFTEEN DAYS.
NURSE: I pity Mr. Veasey.
(Laughs through his nose at his own joke)
NURSE: On the scale of 1-10 and looking at this smiley face chart, what is your pain level?
ME: I would say right now, I am at about a 4.
NURSE: Here's a tip: if you bump it up to 8 the doc might give you Vicadin.

Winners

What Are You Wearing Right Now?

I know the majority of you like to slip into your peignoirs and fluffy bunny slippers when you sit down at your computers, but I'd like to suggest an alternative. The Lovely Le at www.thirdontheright.blogspot.com has an entire line of bloggingware. Above is the t she did for me-but I cannot take credit for the saying (which in case the picture posts very WEE here says: I BLOG BECAUSE THERE'S NOTHING ON TV, I DRINK BECAUSE MY CHILDREN CRY) which is a quote from Zak at www.zakaryw.blogspot.com in a former giveaway contest that has always stuck with me--the way truth often will.

I got mine in raspberry.

PALIN / BIDEN DEBATE MUD GIVEAWAY

In honor of last night's Great Debate... ( which honestly, I didn't watch more than ten minutes of. I hate Horror Movies.) I offer this MUD GIVEAWAY. This fabulous set of mugs can be YOURS ( you can use the one that doesn't apply to your beliefs for guests) if you follow today's set of rules...which are all about being neighborly and maverickish. So while you may not be able to see Alaska from your back yard, cast a glance over the fence of your blogosphere and do the following:

1. Enter someone ELSE to win this giveaway by posting their blog url. That's right: YOU CANNOT ENTER YOUR OWN BLOG. (You certainly cannot enter your own blog 14 times, *clears throat* Kristin.) You can enter multiple blog urls on INDIVIDUAL COMMENTS.

2. Post on that lucky person's blog that you have entered them in this fantastic giveaway and suggest that they, in turn, try to win you a cruise or send you a pack of scratch off lottery tickets or AT THE VERY LEAST enter your blog in exchange for the fact that you went to allllll that trouble on their behalf.

3. Australia: you are welcome to play along, but if you nominate someone else in Australia and they win, they will have to retrieve their prize in person. (Maybe Blu will offer another airplane ticket giveaway.) Everyone else in the USA, I will ship you your prize via UPS.

4. Entries can be posted up until Midnight Monday October 6; after that YOU SHOULD BE IN BED. Winner will be announced Tuesday October 7.

5. If comments on this post reach 50 or more, the person who nominated the winner will ALSO WIN A SUPER SPECIAL PRIZE. Because one good deed deserves another.

Happy Friday everybody!!!!

Home

First of all: big shout out to THE JEWISH RELIGION. Thank you for that ever-changing, unpredictable, moon based (?) calendar of yours that this year allowed us the opportunity to escape for five full days because New York Public Schools are closed. You rock! And if you could make Rosh Hashanna fall on the second Thursday of the end of September next year that would be just fabulous.

This was our first trip to Vermont. We chose to go there because according to Google Analytics, it is one of 2 states (North Dakota being the other one) in which I did not have A SINGLE READER. So the choice was clear: either start writing more about cows and syrup, or get my butt out there. North Dakota, stop worrying; I'm not coming. You are too far away and I don't even know what you are known for. (Urguay: I see you! Thanks for reading!)

We did lots of leaf peeping and tons of swimming in hotel pools. We toured the Vermont Teddy Bear Factory and went 156 feet underground into the Howe Caverns. One of the best parts of the cave tour was coming upon the River Styxx. CBoy (a fan of Greek mythology) asked if that meant we were in Hell. I told him we had already been to Hell and back, and that Hell was otherwise known as Great Adventure Dressed Up For Halloween.

I kept hoping something exciting would happen that would give me blog fodder, but sadly, I don't feel inspired to write about OUTLET SHOPPING. So apologies my dear readers (especially you, Vermont) that have come here thinking I would have anything to say other than maple syrup and black and white cows are Simply Awesome.

I do have a friend who has something to say. His name is David Kramer and he is Boobs Mitchell's better half. He is an amazing artist and I would love if you would join me in welcoming him to the blogsphere by leaving a comment on his new blog www.toothlessalcoholic.blogspot.com Please say that i sent you because the responsibility of making him quit his day job is weighing o so heavy on these shoulders o mine.

More Snippets From The Road

Day 3: VERMONT

Lessons learned so far

1. When Sexyhusbandomine suggested we pack the small dop kit that contained items like tweezers, asprin, and various other travel sized sundries I said "O NO WE DON'T NEED THAT" which is the karma equivalent of giving The Fates the finger. So of course, three days later I need EVERYTHING THAT WAS IN THAT DOP KIT. We happen to be staying at the only hotel in North America that sells pantyhose and condoms in the gift shop, but no Advil.

2. We stopped yesterday to take The Spawn to Great Adventure in the Middle of NoWhere in Upstate New York. They had decorated the entire theme park for Halloween. We anticipated that this meant some spider webs and plastic pumpkins. The severed limbs by the Merry Go Round threw us for a loop, as did the decapitated ghouls who stood by the mini bumper cars. While we lunched on chicken tenders and hamburgers, a zombie with a cheek wound that exposed his teeth and tongue and looked rather wet and red and bloody, stole CBoy's french fries. We left right before the scheduled "Witch Hanging," which was right outside of Wiggles World.

3. I am reading Jose Saramago's novel BLINDNESS and it is totally riveting; the kind of book you cannot put down. Because we are sharing a single room, I went into the bathroom last night to read but could only devour a few pages because CBoy kept shouting I CAN SEE THE LIGHT UNDER THE DOOR MOMMY TURN THE LIGHT OFF and i was very tempted to remind him that THE ZOMBIES only come out when it is dark, but I didn't.

On The Road Again

We've spent the last two days driving up to Vermont.

The drive has gone something like this:

leaves
leaves
leaves
oooo pretty leaves
cows
leaves
ooooo pretty leaves
cows
cows
horses
leaves
leaves
oooo pretty leaves